this is scary stuff

I'll be honest, blogging has been extremely hard for me for the past year and a half. I actually started writing this post again today for the 100th time and then closed it yet again, saying I'll do it later. But then I said, "No, just write the thing," and forced myself to open this draft back up and actually post it when I'm finished. Here I go ... I'm scared ahh.

I think the hardest thing about blogging for me is the confidence. It takes a lot of confidence to put yourself out there for anyone to read. I obviously had no problem doing that up until 2013, as you can see if you go through my blog archives. Something has happened since then though, because I'm finding it super hard to share my thoughts with other people. I feel like I have lost my passion for so many things that I used to blog about... Movies became a chore after studying them in college, and I no longer felt they were an important thing to spend time writing about. I don't even really watch movies for fun anymore! I don't follow celebrities on social media anymore and I actually don't really care what they're doing. I just found out like last week who Iggy Azalea was. Who cares if I post a playlist I'm listening to, because it probably isn't the coolest music right now anyway. My life is so much less picturesque than other bloggers', and so it feels inappropriate when I post pictures from little old Provo with my iPhone. I basically have developed this intense distaste for all things social media and have felt like I don't have a place here.

Looking back on the time when I did blog though, I realize that I was super content with my life even if it wasn't 100% blogtastic. The fact was that I created new content for posts almost every single day and it made me feel awesome. I looked for great things happening around me that I could post about, even if they were teeny tiny. I noticed little blessings and took more pictures. I was okay with how I looked and wore what I wanted. I was confident and kind to myself.

But unfortunately, at some point, something got into my head and told me that what I had to say really didn't matter to anyone. Something told me that I couldn't live up to expectations for what I'm supposed to wear, where I'm supposed to eat brunch, and how happy I'm supposed to look in front of that brightly colored wall. Therefore, my blog really suffered because I didn't feel I had a place in the www anymore.

Here I am though, writing this post that I have opened and closed like a dozen times by now because I realize that I have a big, big problem and I'm ready to get over it. It's scary for me to verbalize the parts of me that are super vulnerable (read: all parts), but I think I need to write and share this in order to get my bearings again and start over. I know I'm not ever going to be a great blogger and probably no one will ever aspire to have my life (and they shouldn't). But I'm setting a goal to start blogging again, no matter how dumb I feel posting, and I'm hoping to regain the gratitude and attention to detail that I have completely turned away from in my life.

I also have really missed out on important record keeping over the past year and a half by not blogging consistently. I might have to call 2015-2016 the "Dark Ages" of my life simply because no one will ever be able to look back and see silly blog posts about things happening in my life at that time. I dated and married the love of my life for goodness sake!! And I have no blog posts and about that!! That's a major regret I have, and I feel pretty determined to not let anything else slip away again.

I think I'm being somewhat vague, but I also don't think I'm really ready to talk about confidence issues any further today. Maybe once I'm back in the blogging groove and I'm not afraid of it anymore, I'll be able to open up some more.  I think I'm generally a happy person and a positive thinker and I feel very blessed much of the time. But I think I've been a little bit lost and afraid of other people's eyes on me for a while.

So here's to being kinder to myself and not being afraid of taking a dang selfie. Here's to reconnecting with things I love and not being afraid to share them for the fear of it being too trivial or not living up to an expectation. I know I won't be a perfect blogger (what is a perfect blogger anyway?) and I know that it's going to be really hard for me and I will chicken out and I will still have tons of posts sitting as drafts that I'm too afraid to publish and the stuff I will publish will probably be totally uncool, but I'm going to try my hardest because this phobia has been the worst and I want to be okay with me again.

lately

Him: Studying for the DAT, which he will be taking in one month. He is the definition of diligence, I think. The other day I went to his study room to take him some snacks and he said, "You know, I'd be really good at solitary confinement. Just give me wifi and some goals and I'm good." Hahaha. I'm so lucky to be with someone that is so ambitious and has such great foresight. Everything I know about goals and long-term investment has come from him. His future is bright. 

And I hope our kids inherit dark hair from him.

Me: I'm working on that job search. Painting pictures. Coloring a documentary. Making new pasta sauces. Watching Documentary Now which is HILARIOUS considering I majored in documentary film and have seen the docs they are parody-ing and I love Portlandia. My big Achilles heel is that I can't drive stick safely, so I basically don't go anywhere right now. (My car should be back by the end of the week though ... Engine transplant).

Also being carless/jobless right now has given me lots of time to watch Broadchurch. You know those shows where you finish watching it and you're like, "Wow, I wish I could unsee this whole thing and watch it again afresh" because it was THAT GOOD!? Yeah, I especially loved Season 1, but I also love a good tv trial (season 2). If you were sad that the Sherlock episodes all ran out ... Broadchurch is for you. Netflix. Must watch.

Tune in next time when I hopefully will be not be posting about tv shows and will be posting about how I finally have my shiz together.

xo

DC

The day after I graduated from college, my sister Kylie and I left on vacation to DC. We called it "Revenge Trip 2016" since both of our husbands are going on their own different trips this summer without us. We spent the majority of the time in museums though, so I don't think they were very jealous ... But we had a blast!

Right after we landed, Kylie's friend and our host picked us up and we took the walk around the tidal basin to see all the monuments. AT NIGHT. Which is something I love doing. Night is magic.

I learned that Lincoln's hands are (loosely) doing ASL for "A" and "L" because the sculptor's son was deaf. Cool, right?

The next morning we drove out to see the DC temple, which is probably my favorite.

Next up: Capitol Hill and Eastern Market

The only cherry blossoms we made it in time to see, oops.

ART!!! My art history minor super paid off and I just love impressionism/post-impressionism ahh.

National Archives to see important documents.

The next day we hit up the Air and Space museum! So many planes in there, just wow.

Probably the only museum Shae would have been into, haha.

After the Renwick, stopped by the Obama residence.

Oh, really good food throughout including Shake Shack (above) and a sweet cookie bar at whole foods (featured on my instagram).

National Cathedral, Library of Congress.

Not pictured: MORE MUSEUMS.  If you're in DC, you HAVE to see the Newseum. The museum about the history of the news. It was my favorite. The Philips collection at Dupont Circle was great too.

After 4 days of straight walking, we ended our trip by WALKING some more around the tidal basin again, but only after resting at the Jefferson with our shoes off for like an hour. Ahh. Twilight was a nice time for the monuments too.

Revenge Trip 2016, you were great. Trying to figure out how move to the blessed east coast right now... 

"Don't cry over spilled milk. But if your car dies you're allowed to cry a little bit." - Shae

Sometimes you have great weekends and sometimes you don't. This weekend my phone shattered, my car engine died while I was on the freeway, and I received my bill for my ER-kidney stone visit (crying emoji). 

When things like this happen on top of my other woes, I sometimes feel so hopeless and like my life just is the crappiest. I have to very actively try to look at the bright side of things. 

At least I didn't die in a fiery car wreck and I just happened to break down at the Pleasant Grove exit so my dad was able to come help me out in just a few minutes. At least I had my phone for a full year and a half without ever dropping it, which is pretty good if you ask me. At least it was just a kidney stone and not something more serious, and now in the future I'll be able to identify that pain and I'll know what to do and won't have to go to the ER again.

I know my trials are really not so serious and so so so many other people are in worse plights than myself. But I just try to remember that any trial is making me a better human and my future self is going to be so much stronger than my current self. And maybe I'll even be able to help others with what I've learned.

Being a person is really hard, you know? But we're all here because we knew we could handle these things and wanted to progress. We wouldn't progress if it was easy.

That's all. I love my family and my husband for taking care of me.

Wonder

On our trip to DC we went to check out the Renwick Gallery, which is like right around the corner from the White House. They have a sweet contemporary art exhibit up right now called Wonder ft. some really sweet pieces.

 These are made out of index cards. Index cards!

Artist Gabriel Dawe did another rainbow installation in the museum at BYU, too. It's even bigger than this one.

Giant nests. So cool I want to put blankets and pillows inside and hang out in them.

This thing represented the geothermal record of the tsunami in Japan. It changes colors and everyone just lays down on the ground underneath it. So relaxing. 

Not pictured, intricate wallpaper made out of insects. Not pictured for a reason. Ahh.

Everyone needs to go see that exhibit. Especially the Obamas because they are, like, right there.